Anonymously Submitted

I Haven’t Been the Same Since

A few years ago, I was offered to try “magic mushrooms” for the first time. All the DARE program information began to regurgitate in my head, about how drugs are bad, and hallucinogens particularly are bad, causing brain damage, addiction, and wanton behavior. Back then, I had a very Kantian view of drugs; it was fundamentally and morally wrong, so I just shouldn’t do it. However, my natural curiosity was sparked.

Why do people take it if it’s so wrong and bad for you? A new utilitarian view was already taking shape regarding drug use. I used to think the same about marijuana, a drug that I indulged in recreationally, and I was neither an addict nor did I feel I was an immoral person. I was a successful adult, and not anything like the marijuana addicts depicted on television. Marijuana had been a medicinal relief for my persistent anxiety and depression. It had not affected me the way that the DARE programs said it would, and I wasn’t a bad person for using it. Could the same be said for psychedelics?

I took it upon myself to research the issue, reading scientific journals and even engaging myself in a documentary (Neurons to Nirvana) discussing the matter. What I found was contrary to what I had believed for years. Psychedelics are non-habit forming. “Well that’s a relief,” I said to myself “at least now if I do try it, I won’t have to worry about being trapped in an endless cycle of addiction.”

But what if it causes brain damage, or worse, kills me after one try? I certainly didn’t want to die or live my life in a wheel chair because I wanted to try something. But there are no reported instances of death, and any evidence of brain damage was the result of persistent long-time use, which, since psychedelics are non-habit forming, shouldn’t be a problem. In a matter of hours, my three main deterrents were all disproven; intelligent, educated professionals, scientifically involved were saying there was is no cause for concern over addiction, brain damage, and death. In fact, the scientists were saying that taking psychedelics can be beneficial to mental health, helping with depression, anxiety, and, ironically, addiction.

I was shaken to my core after encountering this new information. For years I believed it was immoral for me to try any mind altering drugs because it would hurt me and the people around me. But science was showing me that this idea was false. Not just false, but the exact opposite of what I believed. Hundreds of interviews with individuals who experimented with psychedelics reported having incredible personal insights, changing their perspective on themselves and how they relate to the world.

“I haven’t been the same since,” one woman tearfully explained after her experience with ayahuasca, another hallucinogenic drug. How can taking mushrooms be morally wrong, if so many people are reporting primarily positive experiences with psychedelics? My Kantian morals on the concept of hallucinogens was waning and a more Utilitarian view was taking hold; having a positive life changing experience seemed morally right for everyone. It didn’t make sense any more that trying mushrooms was inherently immoral. So I took a deep breath, and decided to try it myself.

I was nervous, very nervous. As I held my “shroom” sandwich to my face, all the years of my Kantian beliefs were screaming in my head. I almost felt ashamed for making it this far. But my new Utilitarian beliefs that were emerging, gently encouraging me to try it. After I ate my sandwich, it was another hour before the trip began.

Time seemed to melt away. My thoughts were disjointed, but they made all the sense in the world to me. I wandered into my backyard, a mundane scene on any other day, but today I was awestruck by the beauty of the trees, the grass, and the flowers. I felt powerfully connected to it all, watching the plants “breath” in the same way that I breathe. During the experience, I confronted the truths about myself that I had safely tucked away. My issues with anxiety and depression were coming to light; all the denial I was in was gone, and the realities that I had buried so deep were now front and center in my mind.

I was afraid, terribly afraid. All those memories and feelings I thought were gone and forgotten were now as iridescent as the grass appeared in the moonlight. After it was over, it was clear to me that I should not ignore what I had learned that night, I must deal with the inner demons that had plagued me all these years. The next day I made an appointment with a therapist; I decided that I was not going to hide from the truth anymore. I wanted to be happy.

My decision to try mushrooms was not an easy one. I was met with the morals that were instilled in me by the authorities of my childhood; is it right to take mushrooms? Would this hurt me or people around me? After my experience, the “pleasure” far outweighs the “pain,” and I feel anything but immoral. I have been on a path of self-discovery since that fateful day. I am no longer in denial about myself or my feelings. I relate to my environment differently, and have a much more optimistic view on life.

Those closest to me have made a point to say they have seen a positive change in me. My relationships have improved dramatically, not just with friends and family, but also with myself. The only true pain felt, was the fear I felt as I confronted my darkest thoughts and memories, and I had a slight hang over after the experience. The benefits have been life altering. I haven’t been the same since. I’m grateful to say that I didn’t let my previously Kantian views deter me from this experience. I’m glad that I took a more utilitarian approach, seeing this as morally right.

The positive changes have had a rippling effect on my life, and maybe consequently, the lives of others. Psychedelics, like abortion, is an option that should be available to mature adults. These adults can then decide if taking psychedelics is right for them and their situation. I believe it is a moral obligation to make this option available to society, as it has a more “pleasurable” effect then a “painful” one.