By Sudeep Stauble

I recently went on a retreat with a Christian group called InterVarsity. The topic that weekend was healing a hurting world. I found myself contemplating the meaning of suffering, and why we suffer. But as much as I would like to tell otherwise, I admit I don’t have all the answers. However, I have experienced circumstances that have enabled me to gain insight.

Recently I received some devastating news that really brought me to my lowest and darkest point in a while. Heavy thoughts have been racing through my mind. I just wanted to matter. Will people be as disappointed in me as I am in myself?

To provide some context, a few months ago I submitted an application to a program with a service organization called AmeriCorps. I would have gone for 10 months to different regions of the country as assigned, building, clearing landscapes, educating, anything to serve communities or people in need. However, for complex reasons I would rather not go into, I received a phone call from them a few days ago telling me that this would not work out. Needless to say I was utterly broken. I felt not only anger but disappointment, despair, shock.

Since then, each day is a battle between despair and acceptance. All I can do is cling to hope. But even that sometimes feels daunting. I’ve done a lot of crying, a lot of giving up. Yet there are times I felt at peace.

On one hand, I wanted to matter and make an impact. I wanted to prove to people that in spite of my visual impairment I too could make a difference. I wanted to inspire others with disabilities by proving to them that they can achieve anything. I wanted to take a break from college, after two straight years of school and being stuck in a stalemate in which I have not known what I want to do with my life. I hoped that by going places and achieving things, people would accept me or like me for my accomplishments. But all that is gone as a result of this rejection. I failed. I seem to bring more pain to people than healing. I can only hope that people won’t be disappointed in me. Those are the thoughts.
By contrast, as a Christian, I have learned that when I fall, someone will be there to pick me up. That is the case here. In spite of feeling inadequate or like a failure, there is at least someone who doesn’t care about my accomplishments, someone to whom I don’t have to prove anything. As a result, there have been moments when I feel at peace, moments of acceptance. Someone else has plans for me that are greater than my own. I have no idea what they are, and I wish he’d reveal them to me now.

For me, my faith has influenced the way I choose to see the world. Yes, I acknowledge that there is brokenness and that we suffer. But how we deal with adversity is up to us. We can either give in to despair, as I have been tempted to do and as I havdone in the past. Or we can rise from our desolation and look beyond our flaws and circumstances to a brighter future, even if that future seems hazy.

As an update, about a week after I started this article, I applied for a creative writing program at the University of Maine at Farmington. I was accepted. So, this spring, I will be leaving SMCC to finally pursue my passion. As for AmeriCorps, I was able to compromise with them. As a result, they may be able to push my application to a later session, either this coming summer or fall. So not all hope is lost. That’s the beauty of a positive outlook. I try to see the situation as a glass half full. I try to see the bright side of a seemingly hopeless circumstance. Besides, I’ve seen and experienced way worse.

So many of us have experienced tragedy. So many of us have suffered, although we don’t want to admit it. But what do we do in the midst of our travails? It occurs to me that we need to be willing to heal ourselves before we can revive those around us. Part of healing is delving into ourselves and acknowledging the pain buried within the depths of our hearts.

I hope that by reading this, you will feel comforted in the midst of whatever is happening in your life. Maybe you’ve experienced tribulation or are still experiencing it. But there is a way out, a way to heal.