By Leanne Galligan

Andy Warhol once said, “Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery.” A bit extreme, perhaps, but to me, this quote speaks to the daily grind society compels us to endure, whether we want to or not. We have no choice about being born, of course, and once you are born society imposes a rigid set of guidelines that it is expected you will follow. Work until you are 65. Marry. Make a family. Oftentimes we look upon outliers to these societal mandates as, at best, eccentrics, and at worst, defective personalities who could not attract a spouse or meaningful work. Something must be wrong with them for them to fail so entirely at following the guidelines of life. We may be free to make our own decisions in spirit, but in a society such as ours, there can be only one correct decision.

A few years ago I dated a man who was much older than myself (another form of societal rebellion) who had attained the age of 37 with neither children nor a marriage to his credit. To me, this was no big thing…a desired state of affairs, in fact, but I was repeatedly asked by family and close friends what was “wrong” with him, for surely there must be some flaw. Why else would he shirk all the trappings of a successful life that society mandates? I was young during this time period and felt very keenly the strictures of the world around me, laying out the course of my future. Why must I work until I’m old and used up, with only the hope that I may be still capable of enjoying life? It seems harsh that society wills that we give up all of the best years of our lives toiling away, essentially gambling our lives on the idea that we’ll live long enough to one day do what we’ve dreamed…the very definition of “enslaving the soul itself,” as John Stuart Mill says. This relationship did not work out, but before it failed I had a first row seat to his own struggle to fit in to what society dictated. He eventually gave up a career he had worked at for many years, after intensive schooling and apprenticeships, to work his way up from the bottom in a business he felt passionate about. I like to imagine society arching a collective scornful brow to this decision…

When it comes to marrying and starting a family, society is just as rigid in its demands. Those who fight the tide of public opinion in this arena will likely spend the rest of their lives explaining their odd choices to curious and mocking acquaintances. Bizarrely, one of our culture’s most popular tropes is the soul-crushing tedium of married life. Mined for laughs in film and TV, the scene of an exasperated husband being harangued by a nagging wife is familiar to us all, as are the scenes of married men envious of their unattached bachelor friends. If we all collectively recognize that such institutions are contrary to human behavior and desires, why then do we all submit? Perhaps it is because society practices a “tyranny more formidable than many kinds of political oppression.” The same people who promote a lifestyle of absolute freedom and self-government do not think twice about the censures their own questions imply when they ask “Why aren’t you married? Aren’t you lonely? Don’t you want someone?” These are tantamount to asking “Why are you so abnormal?” and are just as insidious and insistent as any government mandate. Clearly there is an evolutionary component: those who could not attract a mate were weak; those who could not labor were useless. In this day and age though, where we can clearly trace the root cause of a particular behavior, shouldn’t we be able to overcome it?

As for myself, I’m engaged to be married, and happy to be so. I may chafe under the yoke of a 40 hour work week (especially after paying upwards of $10,000 for the privilege of obtaining a job that will pay a livable wage, and counting myself lucky for having got off so light), but there is nothing else for it. Our great tyrant, Societal Norms, has yet to be overthrown by the grousing of a mostly lazy community college student, and I don’t expect it ever will be. We must all look for other avenues of life in which to distinguish ourselves, or be forever remembered as the old spinster, pathetic bachelor, or odd duck.