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News from The Broccoli: Reporting this semester with honesty, integrity, and broccoli

 

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Seven-year-old boy a “twerk” prodigy, internet sensation

By Garrick Hoffman, Liberal Arts Major

 

BROOKLYN, NY – Michael Ryan, 7, of Brooklyn, never thought he’d have his own viral video, let alone endorsement from Miley Cyrus.

“It was like I made a wish for the Make a Wish Foundation and it came true, but without any life-threatening illnesses,” Michael said in a phone interview with the Broccoli.

His video has garnered over 50 million views in less than two weeks. In the video, Michael demonstrates his skills performing the 21st century’s newest dance phenomenon, called “twerking.” The “like” bar on the video is almost completely devoid of dislikes.

“I’m so proud of him,” his mother Latoya Ryan said. “I’ve been practicing my twerk skills for years, but my son has surpassed me significantly in such a short amount of time.”

Miley Cyrus applauded Michael on Twitter and described him as a “twerk prodigy” who “blowZ me away!!!” with his twerking aptitude.

 

IRS to begin taxing birthday, tooth fairy, lemonade stand money for children 12 and under

By Garrick Hoffman, Liberal Arts Major

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press conference held recently on November 10, John Koskinen, Commissioner of Internal Revenue for the IRS, announced new plans for the massively popular government agency.

“Beginning December 1st of this year, the IRS will begin taxing new citizens of the United States,” he said. “These citizens, ages 12 and under, will be taxed for their income that have traditionally been untaxed. Taxes will now be applied to sources of income stemming from birthdays, lemonade stands – in the summer at 8%, during tourist season – and the tooth fairy.

“Any citizen who does not report their income will be heavily penalized and treated as criminals.”

Asked whether he’s ever worshipped Satan or supported ISIS, Koskinen simply laughed nervously until the next reporter asked him a question.

 

Feminists demand “Bachelor’s degree” be changed to “Bachelorette’s degree”

By Garrick Hoffman, Liberal Arts Major

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A band of feminists recently united to protest at a college campus in the nation’s capital for change in college degree nomenclature. They’ve promised that it is only the beginning of their efforts to broadcast their campaign, which is titled as a hashtag, #Bachelor’sToBachelorette’s.

“We’re sick of men owning all the pronouns,” bellowed protester Alexis Harding. “We’re especially sick of seeing that in the educational sphere, where women are already discriminated against. Women are getting Bs and Cs for the same work in the same classes that men are getting As in. We don’t want a Bachelor’s degree at the end of our academic journey. We’re women. We want a Bachelorette’s degree.”

Harding continued, “If a degree isn’t going to be gender-neutral, we demand that ours be fit with the proper title for women. We’re here to take back the pronoun.”

In the wake of the protests, college administrators plan to quell the insurrection with diversion tactics by hanging up pictures of various conservatives such as Rick Santorum, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker around campus.

 

Grandma Pinches Left Cheek Instead of Right

By Hannah Martin, Communications & New Media Major

 

ARCHERY, OH – After Thomas Reynolds’s grandmother arrived at the family Christmas party, she hobbled over and pinched his left cheek instead of his right. Thomas was astonished at this act. She then proceeded to give him a giant kiss on the same cheek. Every other time Thomas has seen his 92-year-old, senile grandmother she has always pinched him on the right cheek.

As Thomas sat there in confusion, his grandmother wandered away and gave the Christmas Tree a giant hug.

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