By Kyle Sansoucie
I bought a battery-powered, chainloading foam dart mini-gun for 30 bucks and honestly it’s somehow more fun than I expected it to be. Imagine the pure bliss of spinning a plastic gatling gun and letting loose a barrage of darts up to 80 ft away. Are you convinced yet? Now i’m not just defending my impulsive purchase because my mom told me that it was stupid and a waste of money, I genuinely think a nerf gun could be what you need to relieve some stress. It does not have to be as extra as the minigun, but even a single dart blaster you could use to shoot a loved one when they enter the room or to knock over some cans. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Won’t that get old?” and the answer is yes probably. Sure you can get bored pretty quickly, but it only gets as boring as you let it. It could just be me, but there’s a certain thrill you get when you pull off a successful ambush. The dart bounces off your target and they have a look of pure confusion and fear, the first few times you shoot them anyways. But that’s when they pull their OWN nerf gun that they went and bought after getting sick of being absolutely obliterated by nerf rounds. Now you find yourself under fire with nowhere to hide besides behind the couch. The cushions make good sandbags. The dog has become a canine shield. The ceiling fan is an enemy helicopter now. You tape nerf darts to a roomba and write IED with a sharpie on it’s side. A peace treaty is made and broken within the same ceasefire. War is hell. And after you’ve finished dramatically flailing about on the floor and your last mock breath leaves your lips, you get to get up and clean up all the darts. Blatantly the worst part of nerf guns, but also arguably the best feature, is picking up the darts. Obviously it’s annoying to constantly be picking up all the bullets you’ve shot, but what’s stopping you from using the bullets fired at you? Nothing, that’s what. Feign death, use a little bit of sleight of hand to discreetly load your blaster. The goober that shot you needs those darts eventually, and when they come to loot? Kablamo, dart to the eye and a trip to the ER. Moral of the story is, if you buy a nerf gun for combative reasons wear those dorky glasses or something, cause looking dumb is way cooler than losing an eye.