Campus News

Available for Romantic Commitment

By Quindelynne Hasler

Twenty-year-old female looking for male companion

Notable weaknesses:
• Self-proclaimed skeptic
• Pretentious grammar snob
• Amateur film critic
• Cliche coffee connoisseur
• Fiercely independent isolationist

Redeemable strengths:
• Adept wielder of irony
• Proficient artist in multiple mediums
• Entertaining conversationalist
• Competent kisser
• Innovative thinker

Good readers, I am a frustrated romantic reaching out to the literate masses. I have a heart full of love and head full of logic; the resulting feeling is something close to how a dentist with a pocket full of money in a candy store might feel. I have ventured into romantic endeavors in the past and have discovered in the final throes that I was grossly misinformed and underprepared. This unfortunate past and consequent dubiety combined with an inescapable propensity to become emotionally entangled with handsome and/or personable young men creates an indubitable dilemma.

angel-2029668_1280My proposed solution is this: with utmost honesty the prospective responder to this ad and myself present all conceivable pitfalls and damning controversies and decide on the very first meeting if there is even enough similarities and/or compromises suggested to warrant getting to know each other further. Secondly, pending on a favorable outcome to step one, both parties must agree to two things: not to lie to each other and to mean what they say and do. The next logical progression would be to cultivate a mutual practice of social, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional intimacy. Wisdom suggests that an intentional procrastination of physical intimacy promotes the greatest longevity of the relationship. Lastly, when both parties realize they are virtually co-dependent, a contract is signed, a celebration is thrown, and consummation occurs. Repeat steps two and three adding physical intimacy as needed

until death.

If this proffer seems genuinely agreeable, please contact me at If a face-to-face confrontation would be preferable or more convenient, one could most likely identify me as the uncomfortable extrovert posing as an introvert in the corner booth of a coffee shop. I can also be spotted at most social gatherings standing near the exit telling a joke.

Categories: Campus News

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